It’s been a slow month here at PimpKnowledge. Blame it on spring. Love is in the air and I’ve been distracted by a girl. Still, as your fearless hero, I’m back to provide you with some much needed inane knowledge. Below, I present to you the BIGGEST animals in the world. Now, I don’t mean overall biggest. For the most part, I mean biggest for their species. Overall, it’s not a ranking. It’s just a list of animals I find freakishly humongous…and awesome!
I can’t start off this article without mentioning the Blue Whale. Not only is it the biggest animal in the world today, it’s the biggest animal to have ever existed, measuring in at 30 meters and weighing 190 tons! (While we’re on this, I just found out during my research that there’s a difference between tonne, which is 1000 kg and ton [Muricah!], which is 2,000 pounds…the more you know, right?!) The Blue Whale was once abundant in every single ocean but due to whaling, it’s considered endangered today with an estimate of only 5,000 to 12,000 left worldwide.
CHINESE GIANT SALAMANDER
Google this behemoth and you will surely find some uuuuuug-lee pictures. These prom queens can grow up to 6ft and are nearly blind. Obviously keen eyesight haven’t kept them from going extinct. My guess is that no animals want to touch these things…except for maybe this guy. Seriously, what is his left hand doing?
LITTLE BARRIER ISLAND GIANT WETA
Apparently of the same family as the cricket, its English name was derived from the Maori language of New Zealand. Personally, I like its nickname more, which is “wetapunga.” Sounds like a cool nickname of a chief who’s also an asshole (weta-go, asshole!). Haha, I digress. Found only on an island off the coast of New Zealand, these things can grow up to 4 inches and devour a whole carrot. Weta-go, wetapunga indeed!
THE GIANT RATS OF NEW YORK CITY
This freakazoid rabbit was killed in a New York Foot Locker back in 2012. We can only imagine what other rats are stalking the undergrounds of NYC. For years, we’ve heard stories of giant crocodiles in the sewers. That’s certainly plausible when you have gigantic rats like this one to feed the crocs.
Speaking of crocs, the largest reptile in the world is the Saltwater Crocodile. These dudes are found in the Indian and Pacific ocean region and you DO NOT want to mess with them. As their name implies, they can live in salt water, but they’re usually found in mangrove swamps, lagoons, and deltas by the coast. They can grow to be 22 feet long and can certainly kill humans (and do!). Needless to say, stay away from them!
GIANT FRESHWATER STINGRAY
The GFS, as his friends like to call him, is one of the largest freshwater fish in the world. It is found in large waterways in Indochina and Borneo and can reach up to 6ft across and weigh up to 1,300 pounds. As with all strange creatures in Asia, these guys are endangered. In some weird way, it kinda looks like a woman’s bajingo…with a very long and thin hoo-ha. It probably fetches a nice price in China to help with fertility or something.
The Coconut Crab can be found on certain islands in the Indian and Pacific Ocean. As its name suggest, it’s widely associated with the coconut and are found along the same distribution as coconut palm trees. These crabs are land animals and will drown if in the water for too long. At up to 3 ft in length and weighing 9 lbs, you probably don’t want to mess with these. Still, I wonder what their meat taste like.
JAPANESE SPIDER CRAB
Moving on to another crab, the Japanese Spider Crab can weigh up to 41 lbs and do major damage with its powerful claws. They are found in the waters of Japan and are probably brought to Earth by aliens. Half of that last statement isn’t true, but c’mon! Just look at them!
There are many species of these megabats, but the largest one is found on the island of New Guinea. While technically of the bat family, its name obviously derived from the fact that it looks like a fox with vampire wings. In fact, it looks so much like a flying fox that there are theories proposed that they’re descended from primates rather than bats. This theory isn’t accepted by most zoologists and its backers have thus been called “quacks.”
I don’t know what it is about the rivers of Asia, but they produce some huge animals like that giant salamander and stingray. Next up on the list is the Giant Catfish of the Mekong River. At sizes up to 10 ft and 660 lbs, they are the world’s largest freshwater fish and in Thai folklore, the fish is regarded with reverence. Still, it hasn’t stopped the locals from fishing for them. Travel to Asia and try to catch a glimpse of them now as they’re surely not to live past this century despite conservation efforts.
LION’S MANE JELLYFISH
The Lion’s Mane Jellyfish is the largest known species of jellyfish. It’s found mostly in the cold water of the Artic, North Atlantic, and North Pacific Oceans. It can grow up to 8 ft with tentacles up to 120 ft. While that’s pretty big, I present to you the picture below. That’s obviously bigger than 8 ft and there are arguments on the internet to the validity of this picture. Still, you never know and the picture looks awesome.
The Goliath Frog is the largest of its kind and can grow up to 13 inches and weigh up to 7 pounds. It’s surprisingly found in a relatively small habitat range, living mostly in Cameroon. Again, as with other unusual animals, it’s endangered but then again, does it really matter? It’s cool and all cause it’s a whopper, but that’s definitely a face only a mother could love…or maybe a princess (damn that better be a good-looking prince at the end of the rainbow).
[Also, remember Hypno Toad from Futurama? That kid above looks like he’s under that spell. Haha.]
AFRICAN GIANT SNAIL
While we’re talking about Africa, let’s bring up the African Giant Snail. Also known as the Giant Tiger Land Snail, they are believed to be native to West Africa, found along the coasts from Sierra Leone down to Nigeria. I’m not really sure how snails are measured so I’m not going to provide the stats here, but just look at them! They take escargot to a new level.
THE MONSTER PIG OF ALABAMA
For the final entry in this article, I want to bring us closer to home and introduce the Monster Pig of Alabama. Known also as Pigzilla, the picture shows eleven-year-old Jamison Stone standing over a pig he killed that was said to weigh 1,051 pounds and measured 9 ft 4 in. Controversies remain over the veracity of this pig and more likely than not, it’s just a hoax. Still, it’s a cool picture and interesting to believe that Pigzilla might have once roamed the woods of Alabama. For something more true, you can look at the photo of the Giant Forest Hog of Africa…although I must warn you that you might be a little sad. That is Pumba right there after all.
There you have it. These are the giant freakazoids that inhabit our wonderful planets. Are there any animals you think should be included on this list? Let me know in the comments below!